If you are reading this article then someone you love has been given a diagnosis. Perhaps you already suspected the outcome and your suspicions have been confirmed, or perhaps the diagnosis was totally unexpected. Either way I hope that you can take some advice from this article to help you manage each and every day.
5 coping tips:
• Breathing
• Self-care
• Layman's Terms
• Connecting
• Distraction
Breathing
Firstly....... Breathe....................there are a few different breathing techniques you can try but for now let's do this one.
I'd like you to repeat this cycle few times.
Put one hand over your chest and one over your abdomen.
Slowly breathe in for a count of 3, through your nose and fill your stomach with air. Let your stomach expand and your chest stay still.
Hold for a count of 7.
Breathe out for a count of 8, through your mouth and let your abdomen drop as you release the air.
Repeat.
Breathing is so important, yes we have to do it for survival but focusing on breathing is a way to alleviate stress, anxiety and change our mood. Have a look online and find a breathing technique that suits you. Just remember the outbreath is the calming breath and so must be longer than the in.
Self-Care
Secondly your self care is likely to get forgotten over the coming days, weeks, months even years. You must find time now each and every day to do something for you! You might not have the time to take hours out of every day for self care, but you do have time for seconds or minutes.
Some ideas are:
• Breathe.
• Look up to the sky and feel the sun on your face.
• Massage cream into your hands.
• Let go of your shoulders, sitting comfortably, with your hands facing up in your lap, breathe and let your shoulders move down, away from your ears.
• Think of something that makes you smile......yes you can, you might want to cry right now, but try really hard, just one thing that makes you smile.
• Call a friend just to say hi.
• Actually drink your tea while it is hot!
• If you have longer... go for a walk outside in the fresh air, or have a bath, maybe meet with friends.
Decide on some achievable Self care activities personalised to you. Try to do at least one each day.
Layman's Terms
The diagnosis of your child, will most probably play over and over in your mind, keeping you awake at night, stopping you in your tracks. One really useful tip, that can work until you are able to face learning more about the details of the diagnosis, is to ask someone knowledgeable to write down the diagnosis in layman's terms, that means not the technical terms (you can look at those later) just what the diagnosis is in simple understandable language. Keep it on your phone or written down in your pocket and then when you feel overwhelmed with the complexity of what faces you, you can read it.
When you do read it remember:
Your World is not Ending, it is Changing.
With time and knowledge, you will adapt, you will regularly smile again, you will laugh and you will be happy.
Connecting
When faced with a threat we can freeze, run or fight. You might do all three in this situation, at different time. The fighting might involve wanting to fix the situation. Wanting to fix your child. But the most important thing you can do right now is to Connect with your child. Your child needs you, needs you to breathe, look after yourself and to cope. Your child needs you to connect with them- each day choose a moment to truly be with them, where they are at that time and just be together.
How might connecting look?
Depending on the age of your child might depend on how you connect, but however it is you choose to connect, slow down, and have no expectations of the outcome, just know that for even just a moment the whole World will be just you and them.
• Hold or lay next to them, make eye contact, smile, breathe with them, breathe together.
• Hold their hand and ask about something they enjoys doing or watching.
• Engage in an activity they are doing, perhaps mirroring their movements or taking part in the game.
• Lay and look at the clouds together.
• Massage their feet and hands with something that smells amazing, sing a song.
• Hug
Distraction- a coping strategy
There are different coping strategies, one that I find I use a lot is distraction. I think if you are aware of your coping strategy and you use in a positive way that that is ok, I try to not let distraction turn in to avoidance. Distraction is like a 'time out', never underestimate the power of distraction.
If you do not have a hobby, now at one of the busiest most traumatic times in your life, is the time to get one. Your mind is going to go over and over and over your child's diagnosis, you will ruminate for hours, it's human nature to dwell. So you need to help yourself by taking yourself away from the situation, even for a few moments, doing so will help you to cope better.
Ideas:
A game on your phone
A puzzle book
Colouring or doodling
Dance (this doesn't have to be a weekly class it can be 'Alexa play my favourite song' and then jumping around in the living room.)
Gardening.
Running
Crochet or knitting
Kickboxing.
Why not make your own list.
Look after yourself
Receiving a diagnosis of a loved one can be a very traumatic experience. Parents can suffer with Post Traumatic Stress (PTSD) due to the diagnosis of their child's condition,
The 7 symptoms of PTSD are:
• Being easily startled or frightened.
• Always being on guard for danger.
• Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much or driving too fast.
• Trouble sleeping.
• Trouble concentrating.
• Irritability, angry outbursts or aggressive behavior.
• Overwhelming guilt or shame. (Mayo Clinic)
If you are suffering with all or any of these symptoms please make an appointment with a Doctor or Therapist and talk to a friend.
It is thought that PTSD among parents will subside over time (Muscara et al., 2015). but with the right support and self care you can make sure that you live your best and happiest life.
This guidance comes from my own experience. I felt my World had ended when my son was diagnosed. I was angry and wanted someone to blame, and I had an overwhelming feeling of how unfair life was. I was unaware of how to help myself to cope, I hope that this article has helped you or someone you know.
Please reach out to me if you would like any signposting, advice or help about dealing with a child's diagnosis.
References:
Hall, M. F., & Hall, S. E. (2013). When treatment becomes trauma: Defining, preventing, and transforming medical trauma. America Counseling Association, 73.
Managing stress- Breathing technique from: https://thefriendshipbench.org/4-breathing-exercises-to-help-battle-student-stress-and-anxiety/
Mayo clinic https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355967 Accessed 12/05/22
Muscara, F., Burke, K., McCarthy, M. C., Anderson, V. A., Hearps, S. J., Hearps, S. J., Dimovski, A., & Nicholson, J. M. (2015). Parent distress reactions following a serious illness or injury in their child: a protocol paper for the take a Breath Cohort Study. BMC psychiatry, 15, 153. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-015-0519-5
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